WHEE!!!!!!!!!
i'm in a splendid mood today. all smiles around to those in need. here'z the bubbly couldn't care less me today. aka, bimbooooo!! heh :):):)

okie lets start lets start.. :)

driving lessons were a blast today. i learnt how to parallel park. its somehow a skill that girls find hard to master but i'm inspired to nail it. i think it goes sumthin lik this: one round left, one round right, two rounds left, two rounds right. tadah. you have your parrallel parked car.

met wendy today to go down to watch peiwen cat walk. @.@ i noe wad u all are thinking.. how can our lovely pw do a catwalk rite? more lik a sotong walk.. and i should be the one stalking down the stage heh. but okie she looks hot in her lioness hairstyle.. *copyrighted from me heh. anywayz she named herself CHARDONNA.. no. its not charlotte and donna put together (lik spuffy.. hee i see per throwin can drinks at my head.. :P ) but she was inspired by the white wine name chardonnay.. LIK WWAAAATTT. wendy was saying XO is so much easier to remember.. lol.. ar wellz.. i still think your name should be SOTONG!

anywayz. i did loads of shoppin today. :} i lurve.

i ended up getting.
concealer
makeup remover cleanser form
moisturiser with spf
2 shirts

okie. the 2 shirts are slightly bimbotic. one says i got A+ for shoppin and the other says you caught me at a bad time. i'm tempted to wear them tmr to church but i think that they might be slightly too bimbo/disrespectful in church.. so i dunno.. i'm still considering.

i went google eyed at nike coz i saw this really cute tennis skirt. hee. its almost 60 bucks. i was thinkin that i might be too poser to wear it.. and furthermore its so ex. and then the towels there are lik cool too! haha.. yepz.. and i ALMOST got a hot pink top.. but that was lik 60 too.. so yeps a bit too steep..

hmm i was removing my makeup and realised that the facial wipes kinda eats into my skin a bit.. it may be cause i kinda press really hard when i use it.. or i just have sensitive skin.. i think i'm goin to get the missha makeup remover soon.. esp at the rate i'm using makeup now. lik really. TWICE in a week. somebody gag me.

okie another i lurve is the hair clip my tween got for me .. its lik really nice..*muack !! i think i'll use it when i clip my hair up the next time i see u guys :) another i lurve piece is the white handbag.. from wendy dear and sheila! thank u * i got another white handbag from wendy .. i see if u can keep this up. every yr give me a white handbag okie! haha.. i lurve.

hmm jaz is being the kindest soul ever. she'z goin to help me revamp my blog lik soon.. *heh maybe lik tmr! i soo lurve her. okie.. maybe i'll call her tmr and get her to guide me step by step.. so lik i can do it again by myself.. heh.. yeah i can't choose btwn 2 of them. they are both glam, and a touch of bimbo. one is lik more zi lian and hoa lian. i.e the pinkish orange one. and one'z colder.. i.e the grey skin. i'm think in that i should get the lighter skin just coz then when i'm lookin at my skin i'm not so emotionally entrenched to write more depressed things coz lighther colours means happier moods rite? hee.. please ignore my weird perception.

okie i'm off now.. i'm goin to link peiwen'z vid at her catwalk tonite. enjoy and do luff ur hearts out. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QFJR_yuMVA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0grIQDWpE0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?=NtTv4Zzs_D0

can't remember why there'z 3 . there'z a fourth. i didn't bother to link that.. i think 2 is on pw and 1 is on leon---cute guy. :P i dunno.. i can't check out the link.. coz my laptop is slightly retarded and can't load it. bahz.










i'm officially 1 yr and 2 days older than i was on 27 mar 06. okie. that's lame. but that's also true.

my life is really a bore. i'm not exactly complaining, i guess i'm just stating. after all these yrs.. its still the same old story bout a girl. sometimes i wished that i could fit in more and perhaps to be more involved but at other times i feel mostly apathetic.

i've this tenadacy to be more reserved when i'm alone. its a phenonmenon i'm trying to figure out. i find it really funny that most of my jc friends think that i'm this super independent person who lik is strong willed and happy go lucky. i'm guessin my facade is good. i don't feel the need to socialize anymore. and i think it will be downfall. i'm not sure. but i've an inkling that life is not gonna be happening. it may seem to be that way.. but i doubt i'll actually feel it.

thankz to all the pple who sent me birthday greetings.. esp u babes.. i'm sure u noe who u are.

hmm the things which elated me were that i've got my barun buffel wallet, my vandalised phone, dinner at a jap restaraunt... and yesh. my pierced. it still hurts when i put the alcohol though. heh. okie i won't whine. thanks again all u peeps. esp jaz for finally draggin me down.. btw i found some one else who i might just hate more by making run back after bballing. heh. no wait. i take that back.

i'm not relieved that i've applied for nus and ntu. i've got smu to go. i just have to copy and paste my essay. but still i can't pin the exact thing that makes me worried. maybe its just life. ah heck. i should just take it as it comes.

btw i'm not dumb. but i'm rather curt. and mostly hope that i still speak my mind, another trait that i currently feel is worth changing. its one thing to actually believe what your horoscope says.. its another thing to find it coincidental rite?? anywayz. aries are suppose to be initiators.. and supposedly LIKE to take charge. well i am an initiator. but i kinda detest it now. so why do they insist that that i like doing it? go figure. *randomness i noe. i tend to be lik dat now.

room'z in a mess. its late and there'z work tmr. serene has warned me that there'z only filing to do. there'z febc tmr. haven't studied. maybe i should run and study tmr morning. rite.

i've not gettin any good rest lately. i wake up at least twice every nite. its irritating. maybe i should take sum sleepin pills. i attribute it to me worrying bout things that i dunno what i'm woryring about.

hmm i'm readin the jodi picoult book now.. the deaver one can just fly back. oh.. i think u guys should stop linkin me. i think someone i didn't want to find out bout this place found it. and its slightly irksome. yeepz.

gotta go down to pioneer soon. i want to play badminton and i need to pass sum stuff to my jrs. i wonder if you guys have training this fri. i might skip dot k or issit daugt k or just .k? heck i might just miss girl'z contact grp this fri just coz zi bi-ing is so much easier. i hate sharing. i hate sharing to pple i'm not particularly close with and i dun exactly want them to noe what i'm thinking. hmm that's sumthing i might want to keep goin though. maybe its my security issue ah wellz. i'm not a shrink and i so can't analyze myself. *although i try to.

i don't think i'm dat depressed. at least not now. i just think my mood tends to stay in a shade slightly darker than the usual grey. when i'm out now.. all i want pple to see is hot pink. if not i think that my personality'z more of a dirty greenish-grey. weird huh. how i relate my moods to colours. i'm starting to lik red. the cool kind of red. i.e my faded toe nails colour. which reminds me that i have take the nail polish off. hmm maybe tmr.

my hair's too thick. but i promised myself i won't cut it till june.



i get that.
i'm sure most pple now get that too..
but why do we still want it to be one?
if we know this fact..
then why do we still grumble when things don't turn out the way we want to?
its puzzling.

i say live and let be.
strive for the best.
regret none.
and let the rest be handle by Him.

but why can't some pple get that?
stop asking when you noe the obvious ans.
i can't stand pple who lack the skill of listening.
as in seriously negative potential of doing that.
they suck.

anywayz. i found my exact exit plan from education in singapore.
no applause please. as much as i want to go. i dunno if i should go.
heard of anu? i doubt.
noe where is canberra?
you see..
but anywayz i'm quite satisfied that i went down to change my application to a double degree.. finace and sci . btw is there a diff in combined and double degree.. *crosses fingers

next step. apply for local U.
after dat. figure how much it costs to go to anu.
i suspect it'll be sumthing lik 150-200k *gulps

got a really bad paper cut today when i tried to tear the carpark coupon. more lik cardboard cut. its rather deep.. and it hurts!

okie. i didn't run. i'm goin to run tmr morning.
i'm goin to date alot of pple out for my birthday!

hee.. i'm high thinkin bout it.
anyone knows when momo is flying?
go down to send her?



Please excuse me if my thoughts are not sorted and everything comes out in point form.. i dunno what's eating me.. i'm just jittery. no one's fault in particular.. and then again maybe its just my fault ar wellz.

Lets start off with my highly irritating computer. Its WONKY. Electrical instruments around me never tend to function at its fullest capacity. maybe its a mutual disregard for the other, and often one side is at the losing end. yepz. my com is having mood swings. on days which i do not intend on using the com much it works perfectly fine.. and on the days i do however it chooses irk to me by just stonning. fine. that's how handy a laptop is.

okie. i managed to watch 2 movies this week.. music and lyrics and stomp the yard. both are good.. i especially loved the reverse elbow stand.it totally rocks! wouldn't it be cool if i could do that too? heh. i'd probably break my neck trying though. :P which reminds me i tried to flip a skate board the other day and i ended up bruising my ankle ar wellz.. serves me rite.

hmm okie office is officially a bore. SOMEONE complained about me slacking. and since my superior is scared of being scolded i've to be an obediant little girl and do work 24/7. bahz. i dun lik tattletales.

okie. i hear the footsteps or terror, the breathing of detest.. i await in silent mediatation in hopes that the fury will pass, with me unharmed. * u dun need to noe who was that.

lets see. ohs i want to noe why i feel so irk and stupid little things.. you noe how when pple take advantage of your kindness without repaying.. or worse stepping on you coz you seem to be mellable. i noe i'm suppose to be better than all this and lik let them do whatever they want. but its one thing to not say it.. and another thing to actually be bothered by such events. this has resulted me turning into a bitch. maybe its too strong a word. but the recesses of my brain are currently empty hence the lack of vocab. yepz. i managed to stepped back on someone today. i dun feel good that i did it. but i felt that it was necessary so that i won't get stepped on again. but i can just hear that person calling me names lik insensitive ungrateful bitch. lik i said i lack vocab. yepz. it actually hurts that the person would think of me this way. but then i would think i deserve it. so i should just quit whinning rite?

But i wonder why i have the tenacity to allow myself to stoop so low. and why i would be so selfish in lettin myself behave in such a manner. it is surely a lack of discipline. but honestly i would not be happy if it continued on. so i figured that, wouldn't it be better to be curt and give an outright hurtful decision rather than to do the correct decision and murmur about it? baarrrhhzz.. i dunno. i've been through this once. luckily this time the situation is not a big one.

i'm only sure of one thing--- i'm NOT NICE. i probably can strive to be. and maybe i should. let me just experiment on trying to be nice, and not being nice at all. i'll make my decision den.

other useless mundane things that happened includes gettin my new top with dydy. which i'm totally pysched .. i'm probably goin to get both barun buffale wallets.. and 2 hand bags. @.@ that would cost me lik 300 bucks.

hmm did i mention my handphone is back at samsung service centre? yepz for the crack. i'm really too destructive for my own good. i sent it back the first time barely 2 weeks when i first bought it .. and now..after only slightly over a month i had to send it back . hmm. it means only 2 things.. the phone is too fragile.. and i should be more careful. in an attempt to be just that.. i'm goin to go design sum stuff on my cover to give more value to my phone in hopes of this psycological barrier it will bring and hence make me more careful with it now.

which reminds me to ask dada to tell me why studying psycology is not a good path to go down.. coz i might want to do a double degree.. and that would be one of the areas i'm interested in.

hmm.. that's yf retreat these 2 days.
politics. i guess it makes life more fun. hur.

i found out sumthing on monday that i really really didn't noe. and you can't blame a girl for her intuition. its a bit bewildering. but hey i think its super plausible.

oh yah.. back to next weekend and organisin a badminton outing.. hmm i dunno i need to talk to my parents about it.. and rite now they are being very irritating coz they keep askin me to sign up for my courses. someone in the office is doin the same thing. so stop askin. i still need to think. i dun think i've tot enough. and i need the bloody time to think.

have i mention how i love this laptop?! for saving me from my com? yepz. just needed to re-illiterate that.

i need to change my prac date.
do i really want to fly to aus?
am i really business material?
what other things can i do?
what can i become?
do i noe what i really want?

these are the FEW but rather pressing issues bothering at the moment.
goin back to the intuition thing.. they say just become a tai tai. i'm not about to ask who the potential target is. i think i noe who they are thinkin of.

what do i think? i think the above things at the moment are more important than this.

i want to play badminton
i want to play squash
i want to play tennis
i don't mind swimming
and maybe even running
but golfing?! i'm starting to detest.

that's another stupid pressing qns i forgot to list. if i should continue on with golfing lessons. btw. its a highly technical sport that takes more concentration than any other sport i've learnt thus far. its weird ain't it? coz you are techincally using a stick to whack a stationary ball.. now how hard can that get? you don't want to noe.. esp if you are not gifted and dun have the passion for it.

btw i realised that standing up staright is a good place to start if i want to change my imagine.. so anyone of you all can come up to me and lik do that spine straightening thing... heh..


self denial= self preservation?



hoho.. i'm currently at work.. and since no one is watchin behind my back i'm attempting a once in a life time risk- bloggin at work. lol.

oh wellz. i've only filing to do and that's way too boring, thus the urge to blog arose.

i've deicded that this week for me will be kind of ditzzy for me because i've arranged to many outings and have no time to do quiet mediatation. heh.

i ended up painting my nails last nite till 330 am due to the vanilla latte at starbucks. i lurve it. the coffee.. the nails well.. lets just hope you pple will get to see it before i become too embarrassed by it. (ms flirt suddenly pops into mind :P) the colours i bought at sasa were disappointing. the red was clear, and the purple was pink. i ended up mixing the purple with the red i already have. i think its a bit too womanly.. but its actually a colour i like.. but not used to. :) its a tat rich though.. will be trying to look for a shade milder.

i've decided on a mission for my holidays- getting out of the country (preferably climbing a small mountain/ bag packing) & gettin to noe my da kor more and hopefully manage to persuade him to do the former with me! yaY!

i'm goin to make a wishlist. i realised that i want a tonne of things. maybe coz i want to change my image.. or actually get one to begin with. heh.

i can feel myself actually gettin more and more superficial. ar wellz. i've decided that it'll be a ditzzy week anywayz.

ohz.. i want to go down for smu and nus open houses.. anyone free?!




self denial = self preservation?



JC life finally feels over.

Pioneer has never been home. It was just what it is --- an institution to get a credited visa into a university. The experience was humbling to say the least.

Its stupid to compare. Especially when the bench mark is not with yourself but rather the peers that you admire or thought you were inspired by.

I'm glad i'm still holding on to faith for though as escapist as this might sound at least there is a whole bigger plan out there.

Alienated. Restricted. Cynical.
As superficial as this is, i feel that being from a 3rd world JC, as what we are called, have little prospect in getting what we want. Maybe its because we don't exactly know what it is yet or its our incapablity to be more than just ordinary or maybe even being just plain old lazy. This phenomenon tends to lead to the creation of an uninspired mainstream person who would not be deem as "successful". Or maybe because we are not seen to be in the "in" crowd which have influences, strings, finances, reputations which gives us an edge over the blend faces among the crowd. Maybe i'm talking to generally and thus should refer this to me.

What's wrong with just being average then?
Everything is wrong.
Society is too compatitive for its own good. At least i think so. We hail achievements as much as we need to feed ourselves. We can't ignore it for we live in this society and thus undoubtedly feel pressured and insignificant to the above average minority who somehow manages to catch everyone attention.

How do we average pple proceed from here?
I have a notion. To be happy where we are.
Its plausible. But often a path we choose not to take. Who can blame us for wanting to be something or a somebody? Or for that matter realising that our better counterparts have stolen our hopes and dreams. Its not their fault I noe.

Grasping this theory is starting to hurt. Especially when you conclude that you can only slog on. Make yourself be seen and heard if you choose to be. It takes effort which I do not konw if its worth. Be grateful for at least you are among the majority.

I dunno why i ended up toking bout this. Because i actually wanted to blog about privacy of blogs. And how a single entry here is not enough to judge a person because they are ranting. Its frustrating when someone you noe reads this and criticize your thoughts your feelings your opionions. Because afterall we are entitled to the liberty of our own freedom. Some may say that this right should not cross being insensitive to others or even being a stubbling block. I agree to a certain extent.

If you want to discriminate and be discriminated by all means write heartless insensitive remarks.

But to anlayse a situation and expressing it by the only revelant way of blogging should not result in scrutiny from, - i dunno people? For its one thing to let your friends, (by friends i mean those who actually care) to know what you think and another thing when you just want to be heard.

Go find dada. I'm sure she has a more insightful and entertaining thoughts on this.

I'm going to study my career guidance book. Just because i know i'm still lost and no one seems to be able help. And when i mean no one it doesn't include God. Cos he not just no one. *why do i even bother to justify my statements now. i'm trying to be as uncensored as possible.



bbc b3. my results were unhappily expected. but thank God. Before the As started.. the realistic goal was to get ABB. but i screwed my maths by leaving 20 mks blank. and i guess that was too much to be redeem to even get a B. gp i'm happily satisfied.

i didn't cry before my results. *thanks to chan. i didn't cry after i got my results. i cried when i got home.

i felt disheartened when i asked my family whether i did okie. they said i did okie. i felt sad because they expected me to do worse. or maybe coz i realised that they dun have too much hope in me. its just hurting.

i must thank mdm ong for the last push she gave us for phy. though reluctant we found her and bugged her. mr chong was essential as well coz chan well lets put it as not too effective. mr kwok is a soul i must thank for at least giving me a spark of interest in gp.ms chew and ms xiao who were always a phone call away.. and linda. unlike my mom who blames u for my unfortunate and untimely blank out was really only my fault to begin with.

i hope my friends are in a better mood than i am. and once again this has proved that i can't stay and study alone. i can't be forgiving when i'm under pressure and i hold grudges for too long.

i feel half the world has better results than i do. and the other half have the same results that i do.

i was a nervous wreck though. my classmates deicded to watch norbit before we got back our results. i tot it was stupid and an utter waste of eight bucks.

accountancy is a bit out of the qns. but i guess that's a good thing. i think i'll die becomin an accountant for its far too dry.

i met up with wen. i'm glad i did. i finally got my jeans from esprit thank u for being so patient. i decided to get the jeans which a size smaller as an incentive to make me lose weight and look better in them. i think that might be slightly dumb. but i guess that's another one of my trying-to-be-encouraging-to-myself in-a-weird-kind-of-way-me. my phone got bend i've no idea how. she was commentin that i look tired. i must be. i have not been sleepin well the pass few nitez.

i feel amazingly drain and rite now depressed. my dad gave me a 50 for every b. i said i got a b3 for gp when both my bros got a b4. so i have a 150 now. i asked my da kor bout it. he said he didn't get that kind of money. i feel sad for him. i realised my dad can't be all that sad. coz i got the same grades as da kor. he and i both wanted better grades but we got the same. my dad told me once that he was disappointed that i got 239 for psle. he tot i'd do better then my da kor. i didn't bother to ask him bout my 15pts. i could see that he was anything but happy. and i think my results now just satisfies him that i'm not screwed up.

i seriously had no confindence in actually gettin my results. so i'm half relived that they dun suck that badly.

goin down to career fair with dada tmr.

there'z driving tmr. i'm happy. or i am slightly happy. i think i should go yf tmr to thank God.

jELaiNe
mARcH 27tH 1988
NUS

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